Intimacy Metrics

Relationship health check

Is my relationship healthy?

Usually, the fact that you are asking is already useful information. Healthy relationships are not the ones without conflict, they are the ones where both people still feel safe, still repair after a rupture, and still choose each other on ordinary days.

The trouble with the question is that it asks for one verdict about something that has five different moving parts. You can feel completely close to someone emotionally and be quietly unhappy with your sex life, or be wildly in love while work stress is eating the relationship alive. So instead of guessing from one feeling, it helps to look at each part separately.

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Five things worth checking, instead of one feeling

These are the five pillars relationship research keeps landing on, and the five we measure. For each one, ask yourself honestly: does this look like us right now, or like us a while ago?

Emotional connection

You still tell each other the small stuff. Good news feels better when it is shared.

Communication

You can disagree without it turning into a fight, and you repair afterwards.

Physical intimacy

You are both happy with your sex life: how often, who starts it, and everyday touch.

Psychological safety

You can be honest about a mistake without bracing for the reaction.

Lifestyle stress

Work, money and family do not regularly follow you home and land on the relationship.

Signs you are in good shape

None of these happen every day. The question is whether they happen at all.

  • You can say "that hurt" and it gets heard, not argued with.
  • You still choose each other on ordinary Tuesdays, not only on anniversaries.
  • Time apart does not need defending.
  • Apologies come with a change, not just a repeat.
  • You can talk about sex, what you want and what is missing, without either of you feeling judged.
  • You can be boring, tired or unimpressive and still feel like you belong.

Signs worth paying attention to

These do not mean your relationship is over. They mean something needs a conversation soon.

  • You have stopped sharing the small things because it is not worth the response.
  • The same argument returns every few weeks in almost identical words.
  • You edit what you say to avoid a reaction.
  • You feel lonely while you are sitting in the same room.
  • One of you is doing all the remembering, plans, dates, appointments, moods.
  • Sex has become rare, one sided, or something one of you always has to start.
  • Contempt has crept in: eye-rolling, mockery, or keeping score.

Six questions to ask yourself before you decide anything

Write the answers down. Seeing them outside your head changes what they mean.

  1. 01When something went well this week, who did you tell first?
  2. 02When something went badly, do you expect comfort or criticism?
  3. 03Has anything changed between you in the last six months, in or out of the bedroom?
  4. 04What would you change if you knew it would not start an argument?
  5. 05Do you feel more alone with them, or less alone than when you were single?
  6. 06What is one thing you have stopped asking for, and why?

A quicker way to get an honest answer

Intimacy Metrics turns those five pillars into a single number, your Intimacy Health Index, from a short, private assessment that takes about five minutes. You get the overall score, a score for each pillar, and one practical action to try this week.

It is not a diagnosis and it is not a test you can fail. It is a way to stop wondering whether things are fine and start knowing which part of your relationship needs the most care. If you are both willing, you can each answer separately and see where your views line up and where they do not, that gap is usually the most useful thing in the whole report.

Take the free assessment

If you are in danger, skip the assessment

Intimacy Metrics cannot help with an unsafe situation and we do not monitor messages. If you feel at risk at home, contact your local emergency services or a domestic abuse helpline straight away. If you are struggling but safe, a qualified counsellor or therapist is the right next step, and our assessment can help you describe what to bring to that first session.

Keep reading: why we built this, the five pillars in detail, or talk to us.